My love for Andy is something I chose. I look at him and see the rest of my life. I gave my heart to him and he gave his to me. It is full of respect and honor. He is my best friend and I have never felt more safe and cherished.
My love for Aven and Tristan is well...for lack of a better term-insatiable. When I think of how I feel about them my emotions rise to the top of my head and I just feel scattered. I want to protect them, hug them all day, and waste my day just watching them. I lose myself when I think about what they need for the day. I forget to eat, drink, take a shower; if there is something I should do for me during the day, I forget about it until it is bashing me over the head.
I know this is not a "balanced" way to live your life. For the past 2 years of Aven's life I have been able to find a good balance between what I need and what she needs. Now with the addition of Tristan (a newborn), the balance is gone. I am back to forgetting to shower, eat, drink, and sleep.
I really wish I had more than 6 weeks to be with him. Maybe if I had more than a month and a half I might be a little better at balancing ME against ME. Oh well...everyday is getting better though. He is getting bigger and creating his own schedule and at 3.5 weeks old he is already 10.6 lbs. =)
Baby #2 is much easier than baby #1 for sure. I am more confident with nursing, more confident with what he needs. I find myself freaking out less than I thought I was going to and much more emotionally stable. With Aven I had some baby blues. With T, I have had 1 bad day so far and I think it was due more to lack of communication with another adult and being cooped up in the house than a hormonal imbalance.
Now don't assume Andy and I are getting 8 hours of sleep or that we think we actually know what we are doing. HA! We question ourselves and are sleep deprived like most new parents. The difference between today and 2 years ago, is we know THIS is not going to last forever. We will sleep again. We will be able to go out to dinner with adults again. We will be able to have a conversation that does not involve poop, breast milk, or diapers. I will be skinny again. I will run, ride, and swim again. After Aven, I knew all of those things would happen, but I didn't know when. This time, I have a better gauge when all of those things will happen and it has given me the opportunity to enjoy today and not wish for tomorrow. My boobs on the other hand...might not be the same again. Seriously. I am getting a boob job for my 40th birthday. LMAO.
Motherhood. Ten years ago I never thought I would be a Mom and today I can't imagine being anything else. It is hard. The hardest thing I have ever experienced, and I tear up when I think of how my life would be without Aven and Tristan.